Well, it’s been five or six weeks since our pastor challenged us to share our story of Jesus’ grace in our lives – how He changed us when we accepted Him as our Savior. This is kind of ironic for me, because for years I have always felt like I did not have a story of grace. I have friends who have stories where their lives made a complete U-turn once they met Jesus and chose to follow Him. All along, I had compared my life to those stories and wondered if I had been “saved,” or if I knew Jesus, since I didn’t have one of those U-turns.
You see, I had prayed to God and invited Him into my heart when I was five, but I didn’t really understand it. Years went by where I would read The Bible (we didn’t really go to church growing up, but my Dad knew Jesus, and was the one who pointed me to Him), and I tried to live out what I was reading, but I was lured by all the lies of the world. I was trying to seek approval from peers, teachers, mentors, etc.; I was filling empty spots of my life with things that couldn’t bring me the long-term happiness I was looking for – entertainment, skating, and other hobbies; and I was falling into areas where I could have wrecked my life (pornography). It was around sophomore to junior year of high school where I began to seek God again, more seriously. I didn’t like where my life was going, and I wanted to move towards Him again. However, I was not giving Him a lot of leverage in my life – I was still holding onto the reigns. This went on for years. I think I was still growing in my walk with Jesus, but it really could not go far, because I did not truly trust Him to take control of my life. I honestly was scared what others would think if I took small steps of faith, and shared that I did follow Jesus. Due to this, I was in between a rock and a hard place that I built up.
It was not until the beginning of this year that I would say that I truly began trusting Him with my life, my future, and my daily needs. Since then, I can say that I have felt significantly less anxious about the future, as I deeply struggled with anxiety when things felt out of control. I also stopped trying to seek approval from others in order to gain acceptance, because I had approval from Jesus. An example of this is seen in Isaiah: “you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you.” I think those who I was turning to for approval were probably happy once I stopped seeking them for this approval, because I could be pretty naggy! Lol!
I realize that my Father is not going to set me up for failure when I step towards Him in faith. I understand that Jesus died for the burdens that I was trying to carry, and that it’s pointless for me to try to hold onto them.
A struggle that I forget about, but that I can say was definitely Him who helped me through it, was struggling with an attraction toward men. It was something that I knew what Jesus said about it, and I just kept pressing forward in obedience, trying to follow Him. However, I was so confused with God during this period because it didn’t make sense. I really wondered why I was having these feelings, when I knew what He said about it. Just a disclaimer, I am not homophobic, and have friends who are gay – though I don’t support their relationships; I care for them and love them as people – seriously, I do. I heard a sermon a few years ago that cleared up the confusion for me. I realized that we live in a world where we are constantly being tempted (lust, gluttony, anger, etc.). The feelings I had were a temptation, and not a sin. What would have been a sin was acting on those temptations, just like when we act on those temptations of anger and other feelings. Another disclaimer – a sin’s a sin, it’s not like acting on feelings of attraction towards the same sex is worse than a simple lie – it’s not, they’re all the same. I realized that though I knew what God said, that there was an enemy (Satan) who would try to tempt us in any way he could, and for me it was with this area. I am still tempted in all these areas listed above, but I can confidently say that I have a redeemer, Jesus, who has overcome the world, who died for all my sins and shortcomings, and who will continue to help me and lead me to overcome anything that comes my way. He did this, because He loved me – He loved us.
I would say that while Jesus has helped me in these areas listed above, that the greatest grace He has given me is allowing me to grow in my faith. Sometimes I don’t always understand it at the time. At the beginning of this year, I was on the verge of walking away from Him, because since I couldn’t see Him, I felt that I couldn’t trust that He was real. However, He gave me such a stubborn faith, and led me towards the resources that have pointed me right back to Him, that I can’t ignore His existence and power. I learned during this period that I can do nothing to spend eternity with Him. I don’t have to be counting my faults and good actions, because it’s Jesus that is my justification. I will make mistakes, I will confess those actions, and I will move forward and aim to not repeat them. No good act will ever be enough to reach Heaven, because I’m not perfect. However, through Jesus, I can be clean in the eyes of the Father. Jesus chose to live a perfect life, so He could take on the judgment that I should have been given. However, God gives us a choice – we don’t have to accept Jesus’ gift of salvation for us. I have chosen to accept the gift, and surrender my life to Jesus. I am still struggling with understanding all of who He is, but I came across a verse today in James: “Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you.” I find that when I feel far from God, it’s because I haven’t been spending time with Him in His Word, or I’m not trusting Him with something that I think He wants me to do. Now I’m starting to ramble. I guess the main point is that, He has changed me, and will continue to be changing me until this life ends, or until He returns. It’ll be a work in progress until I reach Heaven.
I learned this past year that my story of grace is that God has been keeping me within arm’s reach since I was five, and has held onto me until this year when I finally decided to put my trust completely in Jesus and take steps towards Him. I stumble, and I still hesitate, and even take steps back. But Jesus is gracious, He’s merciful, slow to anger, and loves us like crazy, and (as I tell the kids in the nursery) wants to be our friend forever.